Why Do We Keep Giving Power to People Who Hurt Others?
Today I saw a video of artist Billie Eilish performing a concert the day after the presidential elections. She talked to all the women who have been abused, which is all the women she knows. Almost all the women I know too. My gut tells me even the ones who haven’t told us, have also gone through it or will at some point in their lives, unfortunately. She said:
“And the song that we’re about to do is … about the abuse that exists in this world upon women and a lot of the experiences that I have gone through and people I know have gone through. To tell you the truth, I’ve never met one single woman who doesn’t have a story of abuse. Not one.
I’ve dealt with some stuff myself and I’ve been taken advantage of. My boundaries were crossed, to say it politely, and now a person who is a … let’s say convicted predator, let’s say that — god, my heart is beating fast — someone who hates women so, so deeply is about to be the president of the United States of America. So, this song is for all the women out there. I love you, I support you.”
Then she sang “TV”, pausing after the lyrics:
“The internet’s gone wild watching movie stars on trial
While they’re overturning Roe v. Wade.”
Then she stepped back from the mic, stood silent in front of the crowd, pulled her guitar strap up over her head, and walked off stage.
The entire stadium full of women had burst into song, screaming the lyrics, “While they’re overturning Roe v. Wade”.
And I burst into tears.
I’m not a crier. But I am a human. Wondering why these things continue to happen.
Why are people, not just men, who hurt others, given the opportunity over and over again? Even when we call them out. It takes so long for victims to call out bad behavior and then when we do, things rarely change.
These people continue to be invited onto stages.
And they continue to hurt people.
Money talks.
Even in rooms organized by good people. Money talks.
And those of us who have been hurt continue to watch. In disbelief. And in disgust.
Today I’m crying out as much of these feelings of injustice as I can since they surface unexpectedly on days when I’m triggered.
Because justice doesn’t always prevail. And I don’t always have the energy or the strength to continue the fight. I prefer peace. But injustice does not discriminate.
Tomorrow I’ll continue working on not allowing myself to be triggered.
But today I cry for the collective injustices.
A Celebration of the Material World, inside The Silos at Sawyer Yards in Houston, Texas.
I talked to a class of university students yesterday in a course called, Women in Entrepreneurship at the University of Houston’s Wolff Center for Entrepreneurship inside the College of Business. And as always in these environments during Q&A, a young woman asked me how I handle moments of discrimination (or what I call injustice) as a woman in business settings.
I told the truth. And today I’m left feeling the pain of that truth. I said when I was younger I used to think these things were happening to me because I was young and that maybe one day when I was older it would stop happening.
But I learned a decade ago from a 65+ year old woman and mentor who is well respected in our city, that it still happens to her. In board rooms full of old men. Men who are respected by other men in our city.
So I told the class full of students, that I just try to find the allies. Women and men. Especially men. Because unfortunately a man standing up for me in front of another man often has more weight than another woman standing up for me. And I just try to navigate it as best I can.
And I shrugged my shoulders. And she pushed her bottom lip up under her top lip in disappointment at the reality and nodded.
I also said, “But it’s not just men.”
And I shared another reality I learned from my 20+ years of experience as a Latina Founder and CEO. I was asked how I deal with difficult clients. And I told 2 stories about how I dealt with them differently, years ago vs now. I said:
“It’s crazy because the 2 most difficult clients I’ve had to deal with were both Latina CEOs. And I thought they would be great to work with because we’d understand each other culturally and I thought we had the same values and mission.”
The first one I experienced closer to when I first started my entrepreneurial journey. This woman asked for a discount and made promises of exposure and connections to more clients which I’ve since come to learn is a huge red flag and those new clients have never come to fruition.
That particular CEO also told me I couldn’t connect directly with anyone that I met while working with them and that I was to ask and go through her if I wanted to connect with any of their partners or guests. She played gatekeeper.
So I waited until year long our contract expired because I felt I had to finish what we agreed to do. And I walked into the meeting on the day she thought we were renewing our contract, knowing I was going to fire her as a client. And I did. And it was ugly. And she insulted me. But it was over. And we were so happy we did it.
The second experience started similarly. The client asked for a discount, promised exposure, and connections that never came to fruition (except 1 connection to a new client who also ended up screwing us over).
But this time I didn’t wait until our contract was over. I ended the contract early. Because she was in breach of our agreement. I actually tried to amend the contract to help her out, taking line items off of her agreement which I later found out was a tactic she had used with another vendor to reduce her bills. Over time she kept paying later and later until eventually she stopped paying and finally, she ghosted me. And now I’m suing her for what she owes us. It’s the first time I’ve ever had to do that.
For some reason, for me, it’s a lot easier when I find out I’m not the only one with the same bad experience. When I hear from multiple people that they’re also getting screwed over by the same person, in the same ways, it’s a lot easier for me to do what I need to do. And not feel bad about it. Injustice is a major motivator for me.
But you can pay your way onto screens and stages.
And money talks.
But so must we.
We are disappointed.
We’re navigating life the best we can.
And some days, when it all becomes too much, we cry.
And we clear our calendar and take a mental health day.
And some days, we get ice cream afterward.
But every day — we can hit up our true allies. Women and men.
And do the work to manifest a better tomorrow.
